The Rock ‘N Roll Dad Chronicles (Part I):

What Happens When A Free Spirited Guy Raises A Girl?

So the cowboy is having a kid.

A daughter, in fact. The having a child part is what’s really profound, but once you wrap your head around that part, you start to think about their gender and the specific role you will play in the journey that lies ahead. The role and the stakes. Boys and girls are very different. The relationships boys and girls have with their fathers and mothers are very different. Obviously, each one matters immensely, but Freud was onto something when he honed in on Mothers and Sons, Fathers and Daughters. There’s something very powerful in those dynamics.

So I find myself thinking about what it’s going to be like having me as a Dad. I understand the stakes. I understand how deeply a father can equally empower or damage his daughter. We have seen how beautiful it is when the men get it right. But sadly, we have far more examples of when they didn’t. “Daddy Issues” are a real thing. Even without malicious intent, it’s so easy for a father to harm his girl’s confidence, her self worth, her sexuality. When this happens in the formative years, the consequences are deep and long lasting.

I’m old enough to know this. I’ve seen it. I’ve been paying attention. If I mess up, I’ll never be able to plead the ignorance of youth. Thus, through my excitement during this pregnancy, there is also a great deal of apprehension; I want to get this right. 

Let’s just say it like it is: It’s unlikely that I commit the sins that lead to what we traditionally think of as “Daddy Issues.” I’m not going to be abusive. I’m not going to be temperamental. I’m not going to disrespect or mistreat her mother. I’m not going to poison her with some perverse or religiously toxic view of sexuality. I’m not going to shame her if I stumble onto her masturbating with an electric toothbrush while she’s going through puberty. In essence, I’m unlikely to perpetrate what is commonly considered “patriarchal.” (Though that term is grossly overused, selectively agenda based, and often supported by some very logically weak arguments.)

David Duchovny as Hank Moody in Showtime’s Californication

She’s going to get the opposite from me. Like Aziza said, I’m going to be a (relatively) emotionally stable Hank Moody.

I laughed so hard when she said that. Because it’s true. I am the “rock ’n roll Dad.” Instead of submission, the focus will be on freedom. Instead of “breaking her will” (my Dad’s crusade with me—Biblically backed of course), it will be on fostering free will. These will be encouraged because they are how I live.

However, every action has a reaction. Every seed bears fruit. My personality, coupled with my style, will not be without consequence. Don’t automatically assume I mean that negatively. Yes, there is the “punishment” connotation, but the primary definition of Consequence is “something that logically follows from an action or condition.” Having me as a Father will have an “EFFECT and a RESULT—just as there is for any father. Whether it is negative or positive—and if so, in which way is it negative or positive—is at the heart of The Question and is yet to be determined.

If Rigidity and Repression are the Yin, I am the Yang

I am dedicated to being a thorn in the side of Assumed Authority. I desire a life of open possibility and an ever-changing horizon rather than the “security” of a predictable outcome. I wear my sexuality on my sleeve and wield it freely. My daughter is going to grow up in an environment of love and laughter, of both discipline and play, with a mother and father who are sexualized and expressed, who value both restraint and hedonic practice. Her life and her parents will never be described as “normal.” And being the child of a millennial in the social media age, she’ll be able to look back and find some pretty wild sh*t if she wants to. 

All of this has been considered and is done with intention. I accept that child rearing is perhaps the most unpredictable venture in all of life and there is a possibility that, despite my best efforts, she may at some point resent certain aspects of her childhood. Just because she will be immersed in a divergent lifestyle and raised “differently” does not make me immune to having a child who resents their upbringing. In addition to the events having not yet taken place, she herself is equally as big as variable as I am. There is just as much of a chance that the way she is raised becomes a badge of honor for her—“I grew with parents who who demystified the things others feared and I am freer and more confident than my peers because of it”—as there is that she looks back and says, “I was exposed to too much. My Dad placed too high of a premium on his own wants and desires.”

Obviously, we know which one I am striving for and betting on, I am just willing—in the spirit of “no sacred cows”—to openly discuss what many are afraid to vocalize. 

Questions Without Answers That are Worth Asking

Ultimately, these are just musings. They are questions with no answer, because the future is infinite possibility and it has not yet come to pass. There are so many variables outside of my control, in addition to the variable that I am myself. As is often the case, I’m not giving the answers, I’m just defining the terms. I am asking the questions and acknowledging that, in my daughters journey, I am one of the biggest variables. Who I am will be of enormous consequence to who she becomes. What I do both intentionally and inadvertently will have an impact. My goal is simply to be piloted by my conscious far more than my subconscious in the paternal voyage that lies ahead. 

“What is it going to be like having me for a Dad?” is a question with no answer. Assuming that I don’t turn into a completely different person when she is born, I haven’t seen many examples that resemble the type of father I’ll likely be. I obviously won’t be the repressive controlling type. I also won’t be the absentee, hedonistic rock ’n roll Mick Jagger-type Dad. I’ve seen the tragic results of both. Just as I strive for the balance between Structure and Freedom—Seriousness and Play—in my own life, in the same manner do I hope to parent. 

Now I know that no one’s perfect and I’m going to mess up. I get that. Every parent gifts their offspring with some degree of issues they get to deal with in adulthood. From my observations, that’s unavoidable. I know my daughter will at some point have to address some of my bullsh*t. I just want the amount to be small and as minimally harmful as possible. Honestly, I think that’s the best case scenario as a parent. I’ll have done it right if she gets to adulthood and works through any issues from me in a matter of months rather than years. That’s how Generational Patterns are broken. That’s how we create new stories in new realities, rather than repeating the traumas of the generation that came before us. That’s the role I want to play. 

Whether I succeed or fail is yet to be determined. Either way, I suspect when she’s older and tells her friends stories of her Dad… They certainly won’t be boring.

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Dads… Feel free to weigh in.

Am I asking the right questions or way off?

And of course any other questions or comments, let us know below!